Feb 172012

Why do you do it to your self?
You know who you are…you’re that guy. The one that listens to all her problems. The one that always remembers her birthday. The one that tells her how you wouldn’t treat her the way her “asshole” boyfriend does.
I mean, YOU would never cheat on her like he does, would you Friend Zone Guy?
You would never choose hanging out with your boys over her, right?

If she would just give you a chance, you would do all the things the guys do in shit like “The Notebook” and “The Vow”….hell, you’d even hold a boom box over your head in the rain while “In Your Eyes” from Peter Gabriel played, just like John Cusack in “Say Anything”, right?

And that’s exactly why you’ll never get any, Friend Zone Guy.

Right about now, you’re thinking “Wow, Joe…what a spectacular asshole you are!”
It’s ok, you don’t have to deny it…I know it’s what you’re thinking.
More importantly, you know what? It’s what you should be thinking. But you don’t want to say that out loud, because you’re too nice for that, aren’t you Friend Zone Guy?

I make me “LOL” sometimes…I just thought I’d put that out there.

You may be asking yourself what the point of this tirade is…well, I’ll tell you. Yesterday on Facebook, someone posted one of those shitbag “Inspirational” things that let everyone know how much damage someone has previously done to you.
What’s that?
Oh…you didn’t know?
Well…yup…that’s exactly what they do.
Those things tell people..well…men more specifically, that some guy really did a job on you, and now you need to constantly read shitty passages like “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” each day, to avoid opening your veins in a warm tub of bath water, while the Melissa Manchester’s “Don’t Cry Out Loud” plays in the background.

HA! You know, I can actually feel you boiling through the monitor right now!

Anyhoo…yesterday I saw one that read the following way…


While you’re ignoring her,
Another guy is giving her attention.

While you’re giving her problems,
Another guy is listening.

While you’re too busy for her,
Another guy is making time for her.

While you’re making her cry,
Another guy is trying to make her smile again.

While you’re not sure if you still want her,
Another guy has already figured it out”

Now, if you’re like me, the first thing you notice is that this clickety clack, two timing hooker spends an AWFUL lot of time with other men when you’re not around, right?
But more importantly than that…let’s take a guess as to who wrote this. Let’s look at the title, shall we?

“For Assholes With Girlfriends”
Now, I’m no genius, but this tells me a lot. It tells me that:
A.) The author does not have a girlfriend.
B.) He despises anyone who does.

And where does this anger towards “assholes with girlfriends” come from?
I’ll tell you!!! His years as “Friend Zone Guy”!!!
This entire note to “assholes” is written from the idealistic perspective of what an outsider thinks a girlfriend would be…because he’s never had one.
Did it ever occur to you that she’s a complete pain in the ass, who’s so self absorbed that any time spent not focused on her is percieved as some sort of an act of neglect?
Stupid Friend Zone Guy.

As I stated in the last blog entry, I am currently in Chicago.
Things have gone very well since my time at Newark International Airport, thanks for asking!
However, today as we were walking to the Shedd Aquarium, I spotted him in the wild.
I felt like Patterson crossing paths with Bigfoot….well, except unlike Patterson I wasn’t faking the footage…I really saw him.
No, not Bigfoot…Friend Zone Guy!

He was there at the top of a steep hill. As we approached, a girl rolled down the hill the way you used to do when you were a kid. She reached the bottom and laughingly rose to her feet. Noticing that her pants were covered in mud, she made out the words “Oh no!” in the midst of her laughter which had now grown to a touch of hysterics. I looked back at him…he was visually entranced with her. You could literally see his adoration with every laughing outburst from her. His heart was almost bursting out of his chest.
She then yelled up to him “Now you!”.
He laughingly said “No way!”
She said “C’mon! You have to!”
He paused for a moment as he stared at her…taking in the look of excitement on her face at the bottom of the hill, as she still was intermittently laughing when she wasn’t pleading with him to follow her.
He then threw his arms up in surrender, and rolled down the hill.
When he reached the bottom, he rose to his feet, and was also covered in mud. They both looked and then erupted in laughter. She was now laughing harder than she was before, and he while red from embarrassment, was belly laughing too.

And then it happened.

She opened her arms wide…and gave him a big “friend hug”.
Not a kiss…not the kind of hug you give someone that you’re intimate with….but a friend hug.

They both looked to be college students, and probably Freshman age at that. One day soon, they’ll go to some party, and she’ll take off with some asshole that she met that night, while Friend Zone Guy has to sit back and watch, unable to do anyting to stop it. He’ll be sick to his stomach in that moment. He will literally feel like the World has stopped for him. But next is the best part…she’ll have sex with the asshole, that PRICK who would never roll down a hill with her…and he’ll never call again…and Friend Zone Guy will be who she wants to cry to…and he’ll be stupid enough to let her.

So we’re clear…Friend Zone Guy will NEVER get the girl.
He’s “Duckie” from “Pretty In Pink”.

There’s no danger to you, Friend Zone Guy…no excitement.
You’re the Ferris Wheel…he’s the Roller Coaster.
You dig?

But do you want to know the goof of it all?
You do?

Ok, here’s the rub…
One day, she’ll look around and wish she had that guy to roll down the hill with. The guy to laugh with uncontrollably about how silly they must have looked, and how muddy they now are. The guy that listened when she cried.

But he’ll be long gone.
Because all Friend Zone Guys eventually get it.

And while we’re excited for our hero because he finally wakes up, the sad part is, he leaves a part of himself on that hill…the part that believed in being the Lloyd Dobler from “Say Anything”.
And she leaves a part there too.
The part that believed she was the girl that a guy would do anything for.

And now she writes inspirational passages about guys just like him on her Facebook page.

The motherfucker of life, people…the motherfucker of life.

Feb 132012

For Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend Allison surprised me with a trip to Chicago.
I know, very cool right? All I needed to do, was board a plane and enjoy…and that’s all I wanted to do…but Mushmouth at Newark International Airport in New Jersey, thought that might be a little too easy.

After checking ourselves in with American Airlines, we immediately proceeded to the security checkpoint. We presented our boarding passes and driver’s licenses to the woman at the entrance point.
She looked at our carry on bag and said “Ineeda dee it it pits. I responded “Excuse me?” She repeated “”Ineeda dee it it pits!” Dumbfounded, I just stared at her; simultaneously trying to figure out if I was having a stroke, or if she was just an imbecile.

“Dee itit pits O dare!” she said as she pointed to a metal box. Above the box was a diagram indicating that you are to place your carry on bag IN the box to see if it will fit in the overheard compartment of your flight. From this, I was able to discern that Mushmouth wanted to see if our bag would fit. As I place the bag in the metal box, Mushmouth again mumbles something.

“Dodotta pit da bag dudda way witda pocks do da sin.”
“WHAT?” I said.

Somehow, Allison was able to figure out that she wanted the bag placed in the metal box with the front pockets facing in towards the sign. Now keep in mind…this is a metal box. It’s dimensions are definite. Our carry on bag either fits, or it does not, regardless of which direction the front pockets are facing. IT’S DEFINITE YOU MARBLE MOUTHED, FUCKING FUCK!!!

If you know me, there is a look I get when I find you to be a complete moron. We were half passed this look, so Allison intervened, WHICH was a good thing, because now Mushmouth didn’t think it fit into the box easily enough, so she wanted the pockets emptied and the bag inserted again. Finally, we pleased this person who decided that the English language, while not foreign to her, simply required too much effort in it’s articulation, and she pointed us to one of two lines to head down towards security.

When we arrive at the next security checkpoint, we are immediately greeted with “NOW, WHY ARE THERE TWO LINES???” being bellowed at us by the man at the security desk….as if WE decided it would be this way. Allison responded “The woman back there pointed for us to come down this lane…we couldn’t even understand a word she was saying.” He responded with “Yeah well…that’s pretty common around here.” Oh…so it’s just accepted that no one will bother to speak properly? God Bless America!! We’re Number One!!! Right???

As it turns out, the gentleman wasn’t lying. Just as my disposition returned to a normal “mildly annoyed” from a full boil, we sat at our gate, waiting for our section to be called to board the plane. “Dat dis dime bedar acking doops mmmmffffppphh and mmmahdhefjen do dord da pane”

Fuck You, Newark Airport….just Fuck You. You might as well have fucking R2D2 greeting travelers and announcing flights in your airport…his blurps and whistles are just as easy to understand as the people that you have working there. Asking that your employees ATTEMPT to speak in a way that’s understandable should just be assumed, and at the very least, a starting point for employment consideration.

I would get into the little bastard that stared back at me between the seats during the entire flight, but that’s another discussion about how shitty parents are anymore. But believe me…it’s coming at some point.

I always set foot out the door with the best intentions…but then there are…other people.