Jul 302014

Plexus Slim

I know, I’ve been shitty at updating.
But I’ve had things going on.

On Sunday, which was Day Four I believe, I went to Philadelphia. Between hitting record shops because my daughter swears everything sounds better on vinyl, we stopped at ‘Shake Shack’ where I indulged myself with a Smokestack Burger, fries, and a Peanut Butter milkshake. It had a warning sticker on the top that read ‘Contains Nuts!’, so I was gonna take the sticker off and place it on my pants zipper! WOCKA WOCKA, YOUSE GUYS!!!!

I’m just kidding…I never thought of doing that until typing this. I actually only thought about what a jacked up world we live in now that nuts can kill people. Nuts never killed people when we were kids.
You would catch a major bullying back then if you were afraid of nuts….because you were still allowed to bully people back then too.
AHH the ’80s!

So the morning of Day Five begins with me losing one more pound after my initial four pound loss.
Considering what I ate in Philly the day before, and that my week worth of loss equated to a pound a day, I’d say not too bad.
I can attest to having very little appetite the entire time, but I can’t say that I felt overly energetic.
In fairness, I wasn’t sleeping well, so my sleep cycle was entirely out of whack. Perhaps with more time, I would have fallen back into a regular cycle and had great energy during the day.

Overall, I can’t say that Plexus failed. I followed the instructions I was given, and I lost 5lbs in 5 days while embarrassing myself with things like ice cream and chocolate sauce and a peanut butter milkshake.
And if I were a big hammy moo….er….I mean if I had a ‘glandular problem’, my lack of appetite would have certainly helped in a big way while I tried to stop myself from slamming Ring Dings and Chocodiles down my gullet.

So there you have it. My honest assessment and honest results from 5 days of Bedazzled Pink Juice.
If you want to try it yourself, contact Michelle Rash on my page.

Day Three!

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Jul 262014

Plexus Slim

You may be asking yourself “But Joe, where’s Day Two?”.
Well, Day Two got lost in an unexpected reboot debacle. Always save your work, kids!

As of Day Three, I have not lost more than the initial 4 lbs….but I also didn’t put it back on either.
And while I’ve not shamed myself with anymore ice cream and chick movies, I did have some things that aren’t exactly ‘healthy’ meals.

The evening before Day Three, which would have been the long lost Day Two, I had Chicken Parmigiana from Mazzella’s at around 10pm. You may be asking yourself “But Joe, you know better than to eat that late at night, why would a super cool bro like you do such a thing?”
Well, it’s because Allison went to dinner with her son and brought it back for me. I tell you this because it’s important to this Bedazzled Pink story. They asked me to go to dinner too, but I said no because I wasn’t hungry…at all.
Even though I hadn’t eaten since that morning and even then it was a small bit of food, I had no appetite.
However, not eating is never a good plan, so I told her to bring me back what I always get from there, when I don’t get the Ravolini Della Nona. If you haven’t had this…you haven’t truly enjoyed Italian food.

They were out for quite a while, and by the time they got back and I made myself eat, it was 10pm.
And that’s all I have to say about that. <–Read that in a Forrest Gump voice, because that’s how I meant it, AND I’m not much brighter than that guy. Except *I* know not to put it in a bitch with AIDS.
THANKS, JENNY!!! That was REAL cool of you!
On that note, am I the only one who didn’t find it endearing that she was having sex with a mentally challenged gentleman?
I mean why was this cool with everyone?
It’s like that Benny Mardones song that starts off “She’s just 16 years old…leave her alone…they say.”. How the fuck was this a hit? It’s theme music for pedophiles, and somehow it became people’s fucking prom song!

Oh wait…Plexus….

So on Day Three, again I had NO appetite.
Again I had to make myself eat.
I had a Wawa ‘Sizzli’ in the morning and made Chicken Lettuce Wraps with Thai Peanut Sauce for dinner.
You may be thinking ‘That sounds healthy!”, but you would be wrong. If I told you the ingredients to the peanut sauce, you would realize that I could have just as easily had a sundae for dinner.

But the Thai Peanut Sauce is like crack, yo!
And we’ve all blown someone for crack before, right?

Jul 242014

Plexus Slim

I have agreed to a five day Plexus Slim challenge. Why? Because I’m a skeptic by nature and love debunking things, and also because it’s been given to me for free.
And who doesn’t like free?

If I were being charged to take a challenge, I would yell “FUCK YOUR CHALLENGE, SIR!” and slap them across the face with a glove, like a proper gentleman is required to do!
But ‘free’ is a horse of a different color, as they say!

Now, I was assured that if I took the pills when I was supposed to, drank the drink when I was supposed to, and drank what I consider to be a metric fuck ton of water, that I would lose weight, feel energetic, and have a low appetite.

We shall see about all this poppycock and ballyhoo!!
And you know, now that I think about it…maybe I wouldn’t be so opposed to trying something like this if their logo didn’t look like a Bedazzled craft project that a bunch of middle aged broads did on a fucking girls night out!
I mean, did anyone think this shit through?

Eh….anway, I said I would give an honest assessment of what happens, so shall we begin?

Day One

I weighed myself in the morning so I would have an accurate total of weight loss if there is any, by the end of my five days.
DUH! Right? Of course you did, stupid. How else would you know if it worked?

I took the Accelerator pill with my morning water, and then had a latte, cuz Keurig Rivo is the BOMB, yo!

Later I drank the ‘Pink Drink’ and had a soft pretzel shortly afterward.
I’m not a big lunch eater in the Summer heat, PLUS I had a short day, so I figured “Screw it..I’m not getting a full lunch.”

For dinner, I ate two pieces of leftover Pecan Crusted Chicken breast that I made the night before.
I probably would have eaten three, but my dog is an asshole with NO boundaries for proper behavior.
She completely believes that what’s mine is hers, and that is a fatal misstep, my friend!!

Anyway, like the disgusting fat body that I am, I also had vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup on it.
Can you picture that? A grown ass man having to sit down in front of a tv screen watching ‘Divergent’ of all things, and eating ice cream with chocolate syrup like a silly little bitch?
I might as well just had a ‘Twilight’ marathon, or curled up with ’50 Shades Of Grey’.
I never really thought it out that way until I started typing this log of activity.
Fuck Plexus for that!

No…you know what? Forget all the shit I said about the logo at the outset of this. That is the logo that I deserve to have with my lil’ bowl of ice cream!

After that, it was beddy byes time for me. I say it that way, because it’s also what I deserve after the ice cream episode.

Now…I could not sleep. This is something I would assume has to be attributed to the Plexus.
When I say I couldn’t sleep, I mean I was up watching Omar on ‘The Wire’ until 4:30am.
THAT kind of couldn’t sleep.
By the way…to everyone who told me that ‘The Wire’ was on par with ‘Breaking Bad’…go fuck yourself. Re-watch that shit again while it’s not 2002 anymore, and I think you’ll have a different assessment.

SO, my appetite did not change on Day One, I couldn’t sleep, BUT….
Day Two begins with four less pounds on the scale in the morning.
Even after my shameful ice cream.